Nothing To See Here

If there was a blogging conference on Creating a Boring Waste of Webspace, I could be a keynote speaker.  I wouldn’t have much to say, but I could bob up and down looking dissatisfied for an hour.

I’d like to say that life has been one thrilling roller-coaster after the next, but that would be lying.  Some stuff happened, and some stuff hasn’t happened yet.  So it goes.

Happened:

  • I promised myself I would write more frequently.  Evidence to the contrary notwithstanding, I love to wordsmith.  Sadly, I’m not one of those folks who can dash off a missive packed with brain-bendingly brilliant prose within a few minutes.  It takes me hours to write even the most basic of sentences, and unless I force myself to be sensible, weeks to decide if I really am happy with it.  Most of the time I’d rather gouge out an eye than re-read what I’ve written.  I need a clear afternoon or evening to get something decent down on keyboard, and even then it’s contingent on having something sufficiently meaningful to say.*
  • Project Bedroom is 90% finished.  Pictures are forthcoming, though I will crop out the cheap electricity-conducting temporary carpet we put down to avoid cutting our feet to ribbons on shards of wooden floor.
  • After five weeks of stoically resisting my wide-eyed pleading out of the ridiculous desire to keep it ‘clean’, K-man allowed me to draw on his arm-cast.  Just don’t draw a cock and balls, he said, I have to go to work on Monday.  I drew a coffee bean which from some viewing angles looks like a turd.
  • I purchased and tried on some shapewear, and I didn’t expire in a puff of indignity.  My circulation is still functioning, and I still have all my limbs.
  • Successful extrication of myself from the dull ache of commitment.  I terminated my internship, which was a blessed relief.  A particularly low point was when the team administrator saw fit to lecture me that at this point in my life, experience is SO important.  I pointed out that I am 34 years old, I have worked since I was 16, and that I am doing the internship because I can’t get a job, I would rather do something than nothing, and I like this project.  I didn’t add in a sarcastic tone that I’m not helping out because I am learning anything here – far from it.   Turns out she thought I had just graduated.  I focussed on how this is a massive compliment to my complexion.
  • Further academic writing work, now stretching to ridiculous since I stopped being paid over a year ago.  Still nothing actually published in a peer-reviewed journal.
  • I’m really into The Voice.  The USA one, not the UK one.  I have whiled away many hours lusting after Adam Levine critically assessing the singers’ performances.

Hasn’t Happened Yet

  • Starting my new job.  This experience has been both frustratingly slow, and astonishingly dictatorial.  No part of the process has been designed with the candidates’ perspectives in mind.  I put my application in on 21st January, and last Friday they let me know that paperwork would be with me this Tuesday.  Oh, and I will report to work on 2nd July.  None of this is negotiable, though a reason was proffered when sought: there are lots of people starting and it must all happen when the planets are in direct alignment with the flip-chart in Room 101.  I was tempted to tell them I would be out of the country and unavailable to start until the week after, just to see what would happen.  Would I hear a dull thud as a gant-chart exploded?  But this job means too much to me, and I’m too chicken.  I am not thinking about the fact that the dictats could be indicative of the rest of our employment relationship, or that I am not a person who responds well to dictats at all.  I am grateful just to have this job, even if it is as yet unrealised.
  • K-man’s arm-cast hasn’t been taken off yet, but it will be tomorrow, praise lard.  He has been morose in the extreme, and, well, I try to sympathise, but all I can think about is where my next shoulder-massage is coming from and when it might arrive.  Shoulder-massages have rehabilitative value for wrist-breaks.  That’s my line, and I’m sticking to it.
  • Owing to advanced medal-winning quality procrastination, I have not tried on the bridesmaid dress I’ll need to wear in five weeks’ time.  I haven’t organised the laminated photos of my brother in embarrassing situations that I promised for this weekend’s hen party.  I haven’t had the dress shortened.  I haven’t managed to muster even a moment’s joy over the prospect of taking two three-hour train rides to partake of hen festivities with people I barely know this weekend.  I’m thinking of starting a support group called Introverts R Us.  We could all watch TV separately and use Twitter to wonder about the sanity of people who think it’s fun to wear amusing Special Occasion T-shirts and hand out cards saying ‘Best Looking Man’ to people in nightclubs.  I’m thinking of having my own T-shirt printed saying ‘This is Really Not My Thing’.
  • Posts on snowboarding, Easter with my parents, our new bedroom, and the Olympics tickets I might be unable to use because my new employer doesn’t seem to understand that relationships are inherently bilateral.
*In case you're wondering, I'm not happy with this post but I'm just going to push publish anyway.
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6 Responses to “Nothing To See Here”


  1. 1 staciemarkcoop April 30, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    I want to be in your support group, and get a t-shirt. I love your wordsmithing, even if it is infrequent.

  2. 2 mrs. g. April 30, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    I’ll join the support group too! It’s good to hear from you stranger–updates make for good reading when you are writing them.

  3. 3 Jen May 1, 2012 at 1:23 am

    Now that’s a Hen party concept I could get behind. I flat-out refused to have one when I was getting married and tried my hardest to also do away with the bridal showers and other similar events. No such luck.

    The bureaucracy associated with the new job is staggering and I’m wide-eyed at the thought of other tales you might have to share in the future.

  4. 4 jennatjugglinglife May 1, 2012 at 1:40 am

    I am 100% extrovert and I want the t-shirt that says “This isn’t really my thing.” That is all kinds of genius.

  5. 5 Gail May 1, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    You may not be happy with this post, but the rest of us are. We were wondering about all of the above. Can’t believe the length of time between hire and start.

  6. 6 Jonathan May 1, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    Cough… umm…. sorry for not reading for months :)


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