Loft Bored

After the fireplace, I issued a dictat: no more interference with our living space until 2012.   Initially K-man attempted a particularly obtuse interpretation, informing me that I meant no tradesmen in our living space.  He, on the other hand, could completely redecorate our bedroom over the next four weekends.

Certainly not.

Home improvements will be confined to places we don’t live in: the garage, the loft, and the garden.  Don’t worry, vicarious home-improvers!  There’s plenty to do even within those zones.  At some point we must paint the hallway, and since that only requires the repositioning of one small cupboard, I might relent during the summer.

This morning at 8am it was mooted that today, we should board our loft.  It wasn’t mooted by me, yet barely two hours later I found myself wearing my DIY gloves and lifting 18kg loft-boarding slabs from a trolley and into Vernon’s boot.  Shortly thereafter, I found myself again clutching 18kg of awkwardly-shaped loft board, balanced precariously on our flimsy loft-ladder, bellowing in pain with microscopic pieces of chip-board and assorted insulation fibres falling gently into my contact lenses.

The point of this painful exercise is that we have a huge amount of crap we don’t want to get rid of but don’t necessarily want to see every day, and are a bit sick of tripping over.  We didn’t used to have piles of crap, because we used to live in a small flat with one under-stairs cupboard for storage.

Then, we moved to a three-bedroom house with a huge loft, and lo! it is written that all available space will be filled.  And so it was that two sets of parents, one sibling, and one friend begat acres of their own crap for us to store for them because we now have the most space.  We began shoving things ever further upstairs.

This comes with its own particular peril: if the loft isn’t boarded the crap might very well make an unscheduled visitation to the rest of the abode, via the ceiling.  An even bigger risk is that one of us will be searching for that 14ft of copper cable we could swear is around here somewhere, and accidentally fall through.

I’m not a fan of the loft for two reasons.  First, the risk slipping off a beam and putting a foot through the ceiling.  Second, this oddity:

The black thing in the middle of the photo.  It’s like a half-finished gimp den, filled with crap we inherited from people who owned the house before us.  K-man thinks it is a darkroom.  It’s dark alright: I get a shivery feeling if I get too close.

Seriously, who builds a dark-room a nerve-jangling pirouette across inch-wide ceiling-joists?

In addition to the detritus inside the house, boarding the loft will finally allow us to get all the half-full tins of paint out of the wood-store and into the loft.  Which will mean we can put wood in the wood-store.  We can rip out the piece of shit kitchen unit that was installed the garage at some point in 1972, shove all the crap it currently contains into the loft, move Dino forward three feet, and fit two racks for our bikes so we don’t have to undergo a complex game of pedal disentanglement each morning.

The benefits are undeniable, but that doesn’t make it any less painful to deal with.

It turns out (hurrah!) that I am hyper-sensitive to the insulation fibres and dusty environment of the loft space.  I almost puked from coughing.  We only have one dust-mask and I keenly offered it to K-man because, let’s face it, we’re both much happier if I’m not given the opportunity to supervise.  I provided remedial board-lifting skills when required, and went outside to plant potatoes.

We could only fit enough boards in Vernon to do half of the space, and we’re both too lazy to make a second trip today, or possibly ever.  All the crap will fit on the boards K-man has already laid.   It only took 9 hours.

DIY that solves four problems in one day – this is the kind of DIY I can get behind!

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3 Responses to “Loft Bored”


  1. 1 Jenn @ Juggling Life March 26, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    Forget building the loft–if I even NEED something from it I wait for someone else to get it!

  2. 2 Jonathan April 2, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    We are pretty lucky – some previous house owner boarded almost the entire loft, and it seems to be well insulated too – the loft is FREEZING in winter (that means the temperature is kept in the house, doesn’t it?)

    Does commenting with any authority about loft insulation and boarding mean I am now officially 100 years old, and should go buy a cardigan ?

  3. 3 Bella Rum April 4, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    We have a huge attic that is populated with things that belong to other people. When we moved in, they started showing up with stuff for us to store for them. The more space, the more junk.


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