One Week Later: Still Peeing in the Hallway.

This is where the toilet used to be:

The shower tray isn’t blue; that’s the protective film.  And my walls aren’t going to stay green: that’s the water-proof, damp-proof plaster-board recommended by the All-Purpose Polish Tradesman.

It’s not a mirage: mine eyes have seen the glory of the legend and the story of a white bathroom suite.  But don’t let that fool you!  I’m on day six of crouching down in the bath and trying to cleanse while not splashing water from here to kingdom come.   I have experienced more effective ablutions standing under a tap in Viet Nam.  I went to the gym on Sunday to have a proper shower because I was desperate to feel clean.

Last week we had but one cock-up: the All-Purpose Polish Tradesman failed to inform us in advance that wall-mounting the bath tap would mean creating a false wall and chopping six inches from the width of the room. As some men might tell you, six inches is significant.  And anyway, he’d already drilled the holes in the bath so it was either eat up 300 quid and get a new bath and a smaller bathroom, or live with it.  We’re nothing if not practical.

The current issue is the toilet.  It’s not bolted down, requiring uncharacteristic delicacy when engaging.  It needs to be moved four inches to the left, and the shower-door we chose needs to be returned.  Instead of one hinged glass piece of wonderment, we must live with one of those concertina doors: there is not the clearance to swing wide the shower door and burst out of the cubicle into the room with a flourish.  K-man did the measuring.  I’m just saying.  We’ve let go of delusions of a palatial bathroom.

The biggest issue with the toilet is that it isn’t connected to the mains.  Flushing requires hand-filling of the cistern with water from the shower-head you see to the right hand side: a process that takes around four minutes.  I’m into hour four of that, and it’s wearing very thin indeed.

I dream colour-charts and dark-wood bathroom cabinets, and am considering traipsing half way across town to visit the Farrow & Ball Showroom to get hold of a very specific, very expensive paint.

When this is done, I am going to lie down on the bathroom floor next to a jug of mojito and soak up the joy of my under-floor heating, gazing at the tiles which took three delivery-attempts to arrive, and my bath-taps that aren’t wall-mounted.  I will remember how the highlighter-pen green two-for-the-price-of-one hallucinogenic bathroom used to look, and I will be very, very happy.


8 Responses to “One Week Later: Still Peeing in the Hallway.”

  1. 1 Jenn @ Juggling Life August 24, 2010 at 1:46 am

    That first bath in a new bathroom is always divine.

  2. 2 bramble August 24, 2010 at 4:28 am

    It will be wonderful when it is done and somewhat like childbirth; the pain will be a distant memory!

  3. 3 Bella Rum August 24, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Your powers of description are unparalleled. I’m sure my guffaws are still ringing in the ears of my neighbors. Bramble is right. The pain will subside when you sit your bum on a lovely, well mounted toilet. Can’t wait to see the finished product.

  4. 4 cardinal August 25, 2010 at 7:04 am

    I loved reading all about your horror, but I must admit I’m stuck on one detail: why must the water-proof plaster board be yet another nasty green? (Nothing beats the hi-lighter color of the walls beforehand, but this hospital-corridor-green is not a lot better.) Not my favorite, as you can tell.

  5. 5 Suzanne August 26, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    Excellent progress is being made! What color will you be tiling the shower walls? My main question is about the orientation of the shower tray: why is the drain in the front right corner? Isn’t the drain usually in the opposite corner? Perhaps it’s just staged there, waiting for final installation, at which point it will be turned around. I’m just so used to seeing it the other way that it certainly caught me eye.

    • 6 nic August 26, 2010 at 10:50 pm

      Hi Suzanne. The walls will be white metro tiles with a green border. And that shower tray bothers me too! It is plumbed in and I think it’s sitting that way because otherwise all sorts of pipe-work would need to be re-routed. Immediately I walked in I said to K-man it is the wrong way round, but he thinks I am talking nonsense. Everyone knows you stand over the plughole when showering! I am off to tell him I have a supporter. Unfortunately I think it might be too late to do anything about it.

  6. 7 Nic August 26, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    Bloody hell! I KNOW I replied to Cardinal to say that I am so sick of nasty green and I think there must be a conspiracy going on. The internet keeps eating my comments and making it look like I’m not talking to any of you. I do hope it sorts itself out and I don’t have to go messing with any code. Sorry, everyone!

  7. 8 Gaston Eastern January 19, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    I am really thankful to this topic because it really gives great information .:`

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


  • RT @AdamWagner1: On this day in 1959 the European Court of Human Rights was established. It gets some (usually unjustifiably) bad press in… 1 month ago
  • RT @NHSMillion: If everyone who has ever been grateful for a non-British clinician followed and retweeted we'd reach a million by the morni… 2 months ago
  • Astonishing self-control from Gary Younge. Spencer is a malevolent faux-intellectual ignoramus undeserving of the l…… 4 months ago

Precedent Library

Go here!

There was an error retrieving images from Instagram. An attempt will be remade in a few minutes.


%d bloggers like this: